Marriage Counseling
by TheSecretandStrangeAngel
Summary: Christine and Raoul go to marriage counseling! It's a humor fic! Rated T for language and sexual references!


**_Marriage Counseling_**

**A/N: Yeah, it's another comedy. I own nothing. CRAP.** **If you are a total E/C fan, you shouldn't read this. Can't say I didn't warn you.It's for fun so...lighten up.**

(Plush marriage counselor's office)

Intercom: Doctor Edwards? The DeChagnys are here.

Doctor: (A woman in her late thirties, dressed in an expensive pantsuit.) Ohhh boy…this will be interesting. Send em' in. (Takes out bottle of Advil, and a tranquilizer dart.)

(Christine and Raoul walk in. Already, they are arguing.)

Christine: THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

Raoul: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BREAKS THE WINDOWS WITH THAT BLASTED VOICE OF YOURS!

Christine: WELL I DON'T RUIN THE SHEETS BY PISSING THEM! DEAR GOD, THEY WERE PURE EGYPTIAN COTTON, AND WORTH A FORTUNE!

Raoul: I HAVE AN UNFORTUNATE BLADDER CONTROL PROBLEM! BESIDES, YOU DON'T MAKE THE MONEY!

Christine: NEITHER DO YOU! YOU JUST SPEND YOUR FATHER'S MONEY UNTIL THE OLD PRUNE DIES AND YOU GET TO TAKE IT ALL!

Doctor: HELLO!

(Christine and Raoul look at her, and snap back into aristocratic composure.)

Christine: (curtsies) Hellooo!

Raoul: (bows) Good Afternoon, Madam.

Doctor: (narrows eyes) I'm a Mademoiselle. Anyway, I'm Doctor Edwards. If you'll please, have a seat on the chairs in front of the desk.

(Christine and Raoul sit down in the chairs, shifting them so that they are back to back, folding their arms, with their noses in the air like little kids.)

Both: HMPH!

Doctor: Alright…let's start with the history of the relationship. When did you two meet?

Christine: A long time ago, in the house by the sea. I lost my scarf, and he went to get it like a little priss.

Raoul: AND I _NEVER_ HEARD A THANK YOU!

Christine: I let it go purpose after a sea gull crapped on it! I tried to tell you but you NEVER listen to a stupid WOMAN!

Doctor: Yes. I see there are some communication issues.

Raoul: Really? I think she has no problem communicating, seeing that she _never_ shuts up!

Doctor: (reproachfully) Anyway…What happened then?

Christine: We were friends. My dad died. I left, and went to an opera house, where he came back as the patron ten years later. And wouldn't you know, he didn't even notice me until I became a freaking PRIMA DONNA!

Raoul: Well, who would NOTICE YOU? God forbid you'd actually make yourself look nice in the presence of a noble!

Christine: NOBEL? HARDLY! YOU'RE STILLLLLL A VICSCOUNT!

Raoul: (sniffles) You hit a nerve.

Doctor: I see. Christine, making your husband cry isn't going to help anything. If you communicate effectively, you might breakthrough to him.

Christine: I would if he would listen! But he's virtually deaf, because he's always blasting MY blow-dryer! Or maybe he lost his senses from inhaling MY SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER!

Raoul: (fluffs hair) But it doesn't have any body and bounce without it!

Christine: And I deserve limp hair? Raoul, people look at me every night! And it doesn't help that you parade me around like a trophy.

Raoul: (Z snaps) Biznatch, please! Don't flatter yourself!

Doctor: (groans) ALRIGHTY THEN! (inhales) Raoul, I want you to tell me three things that you like about your wife, and three things she could do to be a better spouse.

Raoul: Good things? Her voice and her bosom.

Christine: That's only two.

Raoul: You have two boobs, don't you? And for the bad…You're always late, you make fun of my hair, and you still dream about that blasted phantom!

Christine: Yes! I have _nightmares_ about the phantom!

Doctor: Wait! Hold on…phantom? Tell me, who is this Phantom?

Raoul: Ohh…well Christine and I had just started dating, and that bloke with his fancy cape, and his ability to hold a stupid note, takes her away and rapes her. And she still almost chooses him over me!

Christine: cries If you weren't so tense and irritated all the time I could explain myself!

Raoul: You'd be tense too, if that little girl was threatening you…

Doctor: Little girl?

Raoul: What was her name...was it Annabelle?

Christine: Anna.

Raoul: ANNA! IF ANNA WAS THROWING FLAMING BRICKS AT YOU ON A REGULAR BASIS, YOU'D BE TENSE TOO!

Doctor: (gasps) Domestic disturbance?

Christine: Yes. Raoul gets hate mail and awful things from people who think I should have gone with him. When…I was trying to save Raoul. That Anna kid said that if I broke Erik's heart she'd take away you're blow dryer! That's where it went! Meg didn't steal it; Anna did.

Raoul: (faints)

Doctor: So it was all one big misunderstanding!

Raoul: (waking up) I knew she couldn't have taken it! Her hair was so dry, and brittle…oh Christine! I should have listened to you!

Christine: And I shouldn't have yelled!

Raoul: Let's kiss and make up!

(Flaming brick flies through window. Everybody screams. Anna jumps through the window with a Punjab lasso.

Anna: (grows fangs) I'm gonna kiiilllll you pretty boy!

Doctor: Calm down now…use your words…

Anna: #$ you! Those are words!

Doctor: Listen…Annie…

Anna: MY NAME IS ANNA!

Doctor: Fine. Christine is not married to Erik, because she is married to Raoul. Therefore Erik is… (waits for Anna to finish sentence)

Anna: Lonely?

Doctor: No, Erik is…

Anna: Heartbroken?

Doctor: No..

Anna: Tormented?

Doctor: NO! SINGLE! HE'S SINGLE, SO YOU CAN GO AND TAKE HIM FOR YOURSELF, THANKS TO THE VICOUNT!

Anna: (glows) Yay! (huggles the fop) Candy for everyone! (throws candy everywhere, and escapes down the side of the building. Christine and Raoul walk out the door, making out. The doctor sits there dumbfounded.)

Doctor: (Pulls out apparatus starts taking blood pressure) Mother was right…I should have been a housewife! I should have married him, but it was all career, career, career…

Two months later…

(the doctor is sitting in a psychiatric office, laying on the couch.)

Shrink: Okay. What do you think is the source of your problems?

Doctor: (twitches) Phantom…Phantom…

_**THE END!**_


End file.
